overcoming Insecurity .... slowly

Today I did something I thought I was a long way off doing. I wore a crop top. 

It was under a pair of dungarees to be fair and no one probably noticed. But I knew. And it was big. 

Now, I know I'm not the biggest person. I'm skinny, I realise that. But I've always had this tiny insecurity about my stomach that's always been at the back of my mind. 

I bought this particular crop top two summers ago and I was excited to wear it! But when I tried it on I felt exposed. My stomach was sticking out too far, it wasn't flat enough to qualify for wearing a crop top. Every girl I've ever seen wearing one has a nicely toned flat stomach. So I set myself a goal. I was going to wear that top when my stomach was flat. Then I'd be the right person to wear one. 

This is said crop top

I've worn the odd crop top in the last couple of years, but they've all been baggy and I always wear high waisted jeans or shorts with them to hide my stomach. This time was different because these dungarees sit on my hips so you can see my body from the side and back all the way down my hips. The top is tight so shows off my curves, which usually doesn't bother me but in this top it does. 

Most of the day I ignored it but whenever I leaned forward in a chair and felt my stomach fold over I would cringe and try to suck in as much as possible. When I was able to ignore it though, I felt confident! I kept saying to myself "I'm doing it! And I look good doing it!". It was empowering. 

I set myself some goals at the beginning of this year. One of them was to get fit. I would tell people that I just wanted to feel healthier, but my actual goal was to get rid of my stomach fat. I've come to realise that I don't need to get rid of it - it's really not that bad and hardly noticeable. However, this insecurity still gets to me. My new goal around this is to just feel confident in my insecurity - to accept it and move on from it. I think I can do that.

Obviously part of this stems from the countless photoshopped images on Instagram, in magazines, on clothing sites, etc. Everyone is put under this societal pressure to be thin and have abs and a big arse and boobs to go with it and it's just impossible! My counsellor says my anxiety takes these images and exaggerates the perfections against my exaggerated flaws when I look at myself in the mirror. I can see that. These factors create this constant insecurity for me around my stomach. But I can change it and make it better. 

For now, I will carry on slowly starting to wear crop tops out and to ease the pressure off my exercise routine for a flat stomach. But no pictures. Not yet. One day, soon. 
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