Sorry this is a couple of days late but I had my birthday the other day and exams and completely forgot about this so here it is! Monday I had a birthday dinner with my friends form mine and Karampreet's birthdays! We both have birthdays in May which also means they're during exams so we decided to do a joint thing before our birthdays to celebrate so that we could all concentrate on our exams. We went to Cosmos in Reading and then went back to mine for mock-tails and movies. We ended up watching Legally Blonde and Legally Blonde 2 After that there was only a couple of us left and not enough time to watch another movie so we decided to watch iCarly because we're cool like that! Tuesday First exam! It was just the iGCSE English Language reading exam so it wasn't too hard. The English Department decided to put on a two hour preparation session for us to prepare for the exam but I honestly spent half the time sharing embarrassing childhood stories with my friends! It was a great idea because we went through the questions and talked to others about how they would go about the questions so you got tips and different viewpoints on how to go about the question but I personally don't think we needed two hours. The exam went pretty well. There were good questions and the texts were good and filled with a lot of relevant information to use which I was happy about. But I am tired of Anuja, Rufus and the osprey. Anuja and Rufus need to sort their problems out and I now know more about ospreys than my entire life. Wednesday
It was a normal school day today. We had no exams and were back on timetable. The only exciting thing that happened was that I had call backs for Oliver! which is the school production this year. I read for Fagin and Dodger and sung for Dodger, Oliver and Nancy. So hopefully I will get a good role out of that! Thursday Last day of Year 11! We weren't allowed to have a much up day on penalty of being banned from prom so naturally we decided to have a water fight on the field, however it was broken up before it started. They did let us sign our blouses though and my friends and I wore fairy wings which I walked home in which was fun! Our drama teacher almost started crying in our final lesson though which naturally made me slightly emotional because that is how my body works but I didn't actually start crying. We did get a group A Team photo though! Friday First day of study leave! I spent most of my morning lying in bed watching Bad Education because the whole of season two was on BBC iPlayer. I then went into school for period 4&5 (music and maths) and for lunch. Then I got home and packed for my dad's. When I got there, there was a display of my presents with balloons tied to them in the corner though which was really sweet. My dad and his partner Jo got me a telescope and my aunt and uncle got my a University of Gallifrey T-shirt which is now one of my favourite t-shirts ever. Saturday I spent my morning revising and catching up on Atlantis which was amazing and then we had pancakes and bacon with fruit for lunch that wasn't quite brunch (it is now my favourite lunch/brunch). Then in the evening !y gran came round and we went out to dinner at ASK in Abingdon and that was yum. My gran gave me this peacock scarf she had made that I really liked and made me a card out of the gift she got in the craft magazine I bought her for her birthday which was lovely. Sunday MY 16TH BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!! My sister gave me a locket with 'Sister' written on the back and a mood owl necklace with 'big sis' on it to match her 'lil sis' one and the Complete First Series of Teen Titans, my all time favourite show from when I was little which I loved! My birthday cake was a bowl of roast potatoes because that's how my family rolls. When I got back to my mum's, she gave me a tablet from her and her fiancé Nigel and gave me the present from my nan which was a little teddy and a blue necklace and bracelet to go with my prom dress. This is on top of the two shirts, puzzle, necklace and mug I got from my friends on Monday. I have to say that this was probably the best birthday I ever had!
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Today on my tumblr dashboard I saw this which one of my friends reblogged: I thought it was awesome and a good bit of motivation for me to help me through the next few weeks so I have now done this: Hopefully this will help me out.
TIP: If you see something which motivates you of makes you feel better online, save it and set it as your phone/computer desktop background, especially if you go on them a lot. It will honestly give you a constant reminder that what you are doing will be good for you in the end. That's something everyone needs. Anyway just a quick post for anyone interested in stuff like this, it was a bit random I know. Here we are at my first weekly look back diary thing! I've not had the most exciting week but we have to start somewhere.....
Monday: Back to school and I found out that I still can't wake up at 6:40 in the morning even after doing it for 5 years. I felt pretty rubbish but I went to meet my friends at the station to walk to school. We were reminded once again in form that we only had 7 days left of school before study leave and that our first exam was on Tuesday 5th May. That was the start of my decent into darkness and stress. Great. After maths I felt worse and was one of the last out of the room. One of my friends came over to me before we left and gave me a hug asking what was wrong. So my maths teacher pulled me over in the corridor to talk to me and gave me some pretty good advice and I felt slightly better. Until I went to physics and I felt rubbish again. I got to the end of the day though and just did some revision at home until about six o'clock. Then I went downstairs to eat and watch some episodes of Merlin Season 5 on Netflix. I cried. A lot. Tuesday: Got up slightly easier today but still felt bad about stuff. And again it got worse when I got to school. I managed to get through form and double english but my singing lesson was cancelled so I couldn't have that relaxation period that I usually do in my singing lessons. My piano lessons were also cancelled because of piano teacher being stuck in traffic, so didn't get to do any music that day because by the time I got back home I was so tired I just went to sleep. Music lessons always make me feel better. I think maybe that's why I haven't been able to get myself out of this stressful situation because I haven't been able to have that scheduled down-time of my music lessons. I wasn't able to fit in time to practice the rest of the week, which is slightly annoying, but it happens at the moment. Wednesday: Same kind of average day. I got a bad Biology test result though which kind of ruined my day a bit. I had Extra Maths after school. I always feel more tired on a Wednesday after school because I have six hours of lessons opposed to the five I have every other day. Anyway, I still felt bad after that, so had another talk with my maths teacher about what was going on. I felt slightly better afterwards as I managed to get stuff off my chest but I still felt down about it all. Thursday: Same routine once again. I had to wear my wrist brace for my left wrist. I must have sprained it in the last week or so and carrying about 3 massive folders to and from school every day probably wasn't helping. I went to my drama group, StageFright, in the evening which cheered me up for a while and let me forget about everything for almost two hours. I had a talk with one of my friends there who did his GCSEs last year and he gave me some pointers and a bit of a pep talk which was helpful, I really needed it. Friday: I was tired and stressed, so this was probably the worst day of my week. Everything had been building up and I wasn't feeling up to much, but that's how it is sometimes. The only good thing was that it was chicken nugget day so I had that for lunch. Double drama just tired me out and I was ready to drop out of school by the time that was over. I love drama, don't get me wrong but we are just doing theory at the moment which is quite draining and goes slowly as it feels as if we are doing the same thing over and over again. Plus we get tons of homework from it. And then in Music we had to finish off a practice paper which is just boring honestly as well as signing all our paperwork for our controlled assessments. but I got an A for both, so that was alright. I then thought I would do an extra maths session after school which was alright I guess but that just really got me down, even though the work was easy and I understood it. When I got home, I decided to watch the last two episodes of Merlin with my sister. The last two episodes ever. I remember how much I cried when they first came out. I cried more than that this time. I think it was because I have gone through the journey with the characters all over again so I've become even more attached than I was previously, so the certain deaths in those episodes were absolutely heartbreaking. I decided that the best way for me to feel better would be to start Once Upon A Time and like three characters die in the first episode. So I cried more. It was fun. Saturday: My mum's birthday! She liked the presents my sister and I got her (a puzzle and some strawberry truffles) and we had croissants and pain au chocolats for breakfast, like we do on every special occasion. Then I did some revision for the rest of the day until my Nan came round and my mum and stepdad went out. We watched Saving Mr Banks and an episode of Once Upon A Time, which she enjoyed as much as us and it was really nice to catch up with her as I haven't seen her in a few weeks because she's been ill. So Saturday was alright, I felt better about stuff and just relaxed a bit. Sunday: Today! My Grandad and Nana Lynne came round to go out to lunch to celebrate my mum's birthday. I couldn't finish mine it was so filling, but it was good so I'm happy. I just finished my revision for today and am just chilling for a while before eating and watching some more Once Upon A Time. Hasn't been a bad day. So yeah, that was that. It was probably boring, but this is a new style of writing for me, so it will gradually get better, the more I do. Now I have just got to get through this next week. The next time I write one of these it will be my 16th birthday! I'll still revise though. Until next week! I am currently preparing for GCSEs, the first of which is on Tuesday (luckily it's only an iGCSE English Language which is pretty simple) but everything is starting to get to me. I have been feeling down and not knowing what to do about it. I have felt demotivated to work and revise and that is especially a situation I do not want to be in right now as the bulk of my exams start on the 11th May (the day after my birthday).
However, I am not happy. I can sometimes feel happy around my friends or in some classes or at clubs but I suddenly feel sad, upset or frustrated almost as quickly as I became happy in the space of about ten minutes. I am also having trouble sleeping making me tired during the school day which is affecting the work I do in class as well. I know this is to do with stress as I do stress myself out easily and when I do I go into this kind of state for a couple of days. But this time it is different as it has lasted about a week now and it is getting worse as time goes on. I have spoken to a couple of my friends about it and my maths teacher also picked up on the fact something was wrong and has spoken to me a couple of times after lessons about it. He has told me to talk to my mentor, however my mentor has either been off school or too busy to talk to me about what I am going through at the moment. Little jokes that I am used to hearing are now also getting to me and I am feeling a lot more emotional and I am also feeling as if I have no one to talk to apart from the few people I have told and have had long conversations with about my current situation. I feel as if I can't talk to my mum as she is always busy and it is also her birthday and I don't want her to be worried about me. I don't want any of my family to worry. But the truth is that it is all a bit much. I feel as if I need to cry but I can't. I feel as if I need to laugh but I can't. I out on a fake smile and force a small laugh or two out sometimes to try and fool people and it usually works. But as soon as I am alone all I can think about is the fact that I am in a black hole and I feel as if I am being suffocated slowly. I know I need to talk to someone. I need to do something to help. But at the moment I feel as if I just need to ride this out and wait until I get my 11-week-long summer at the end of exams. I have Brighton, Prom, my mum's wedding and a trip with my family to see The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time in Oxford in July (if anyone has never heard of this it is a book to play adaptation which is truly amazing, I recommend reading the book and the script because you will enjoy it thoroughly). The reason I need to talk to someone though, is why I am writing on here. Even if no one is reading this post, I am still giving myself a way to let out what I am thinking. Writing is honestly the best outlet for me, along with reading and music. That is the reason for this blog and for my tumblr blogs and my Quotev account. I can put what I am thinking and feeling on the internet. People might not care, but I am putting it out there. Maybe someone will relate, maybe someone will agree, maybe they can help. I sometime think I should have started this blog a long time ago because it has helped me to try a couple of styles of writing and helped me to vent my feelings. And that is just what I needed now. Yes, it was a little depressing but that is how I am feeling right now. And tomorrow when I do my first weekly update (probably), I will still feel like this. But I am hoping that the further along I get in my exams, the calmer and happier I will become. Here goes. |
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