A little self-help

I am currently preparing for GCSEs, the first of which is on Tuesday (luckily it's only an iGCSE English Language which is pretty simple) but everything is starting to get to me. I have been feeling down and not knowing what to do about it. I have felt demotivated to work and revise and that is especially a situation I do not want to be in right now as the bulk of my exams start on the 11th May (the day after my birthday).

However, I am not happy. I can sometimes feel happy around my friends or in some classes or at clubs but I suddenly feel sad, upset or frustrated almost as quickly as I became happy in the space of about ten minutes. I am also having trouble sleeping making me tired during the school day which is affecting the work I do in class as well.

I know this is to do with stress as I do stress myself out easily and when I do I go into this kind of state for a couple of days. But this time it is different as it has lasted about a week now and it is getting worse as time goes on. I have spoken to a couple of my friends about it and my maths teacher also picked up on the fact something was wrong and has spoken to me a couple of times after lessons about it. He has told me to talk to my mentor, however my mentor has either been off school or too busy to talk to me about what I am going through at the moment.

Little jokes that I am used to hearing are now also getting to me and I am feeling a lot more emotional and I am also feeling as if I have no one to talk to apart from the few people I have told and have had long conversations with about my current situation. I feel as if I can't talk to my mum as she is always busy and it is also her birthday and I don't want her to be worried about me. I don't want any of my family to worry.

But the truth is that it is all a bit much. I feel as if I need to cry but I can't. I feel as if I need to laugh but I can't. I out on a fake smile and force a small laugh or two out sometimes to try and fool people and it usually works. But as soon as I am alone all I can think about is the fact that I am in a black hole and I feel as if I am being suffocated slowly.

I know I need to talk to someone. I need to do something to help. But at the moment I feel as if I just need to ride this out and wait until I get my 11-week-long summer at the end of exams. I have Brighton, Prom, my mum's wedding and a trip with my family to see The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time in Oxford in July (if anyone has never heard of this it is a book to play adaptation which is truly amazing, I recommend reading the book and the script because you will enjoy it thoroughly).

The reason I need to talk to someone though, is why I am writing on here. Even if no one is reading this post, I am still giving myself a way to let out what I am thinking. Writing is honestly the best outlet for me, along with reading and music. That is the reason for this blog and for my tumblr blogs and my Quotev account. I can put what I am thinking and feeling on the internet. People might not care, but I am putting it out there. Maybe someone will relate, maybe someone will agree, maybe they can help.

I sometime think I should have started this blog a long time ago because it has helped me to try a couple of styles of writing and helped me to vent my feelings.

And that is just what I needed now. Yes, it was a little depressing but that is how I am feeling right now. And tomorrow when I do my first weekly update (probably), I will still feel like this. But I am hoping that the further along I get in my exams, the calmer and happier I will become.

Here goes.